By: Melissa Johnson, CD(DONA), HBCE
I was recently reading a blog which was explaining why men were ill-equipped to attend births and suggested that they should be “removed from the birth plan”…wow. I whole heartedly disagree. Do I think that some men/partners are better at supporting moms during labor than others, sure! But let’s not discount our spouses altogether! Geesh. Dads need support too...let's start here in providing informaion and what is expected of the partners. Below are some tips for dads to use during labor in hopes it will be a guide in preparing partners for this wonderful birthing day process.
“I’ve seen a man pull a line of boxcars with his teeth. I’ve watched a friend light his chest on fire and let another friend hop over his flaming torso on a skateboard. I’ve seen an actor on ”Deadwood” very convincingly pretend to pass kidney stones. None of this even comes close to the awesome experience of seeing my wife, Nicole, give birth.” – Josh Tyson: The Performance | Dads in the Delivery Room (great read for dads!)
Partners play an important role in pregnancy, labor and birth. Pregnancy is good practice but seeing mom in labor adds a totally different element. I feel that we should educate dads of the birth process and furthermore educate them on HOW to support the mom in labor.
We highly recommend dads / partners attend a childbirth class with the mom. Especially a class that includes the father…and most childbirth classes today include the partner. As a HypnoBirthing Childbirth class instructor in Jacksonville, of course I recommend that class. We really stress the involvement of the partner.
It’s important to know the birth process, but all that reading and knowledge does very little if you have never seen a birth. So...I have put together (based on what I have seen thus far as a Jacksonville Doula) some information for dads (please let us know your experiences and share in the comments at the end of this blog. We'd love to hear from you):
* Educate yourself: read about labor stages and the hallmarks of labor (transition)
- The Birth Partner is a GREAT book for the birth team!
* Be familiar with the birth plan and be prepared to step-up and speak-up when needed
* Truly trust in your partners body’s ability to birth your baby
* Release all fears before you enter the birth room (HypnoBirthing offers a great fear release exercise)
- Sometimes this is accomplished by understanding the birth process – we are rarely fearful of things that we understand
* Connect with other fathers: seek out other dads who have attended births and talk to them about their experience
* Be responsible for the energy you bring into the birthing room
- This is important of whomever is in the room
- Mom is very sensitive to what is happening around her
* Be the guardian of the space
- If there are too many people in the room, ask them to leave
- Take any intense conversations outside the birthing room
- You may not be jiving with the nurse, ask for a new one
* Ask questions: If there is a situation or a special circumstance that arises ask:
- Is this an emergency? Do we have time to discuss this?
- Ask for time alone to discuss what your desires are. It’s difficult to make a decision with a doctor and nurse staring your down – no pressure there! See "What Every Mom Should Know"
* Have calm eyes
- Sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it"!
- If you have never seen your wife / partner in labor, it is quite different! It's the most focused and purposeful you will ever see her...but internally focused and quiet doesn't always mean "trouble" or "pain". She may not need fixing or hovering over...just space to be where she is in the process. She will normally let you know one way or the other.
* Be a quiet pillar of strength
- Many times moms are sensitive to sounds and talking during the later stage of labor. Please try not to take offense to this.
* Normal birth is quite uneventful: accept that there may not be much to do and that is okay!
- Sometimes your job is sitting quietly holding her hand, kiss her forhead or slowly stroke her arm
* Be flexible: try not to judge if your partner changes her mind about the birth plan
- I say a lot in my classes: “You don’t know what you don’t know” and things change. The entire birth team needs to remain flexible. Only SHE knows truly what she is feeling…and she has the right to make an empowered decision of change – and that’s okay
* Rest or even sleep in the early stages of labor (this goes for mom and dad)
- Make sure this is okay with mom and that she doesn't need you during that time.
* EAT! You will need this energy later!
- We see so many dads get excited in early labor and not take care of themselves and become exhausted near the end and right after birth, don’t be that guy!
- Mom will need you after the birth – your rest and energy is important because as tired as YOU are – she is doubly + so
* Make sure mom eats and drinks while you are laboring at home
- Make some labor snacks (easily digestible foods with sustaining energy like pb&j, applesauce, nuts, cheese and crackers). Put the snacks into little bites for mom to nibble between contractions (surges).
* Be present
- Limit conversations with family and friends while at the birth. Set up a go to person who you text with and let them keep your list of friends and family updated (oh yeah, you have to make a list of friends and family you want notified)
* Choose your words wisely and speak softly
- Avoid “just relax” and “you are doing a great *job*”
- Try “you are amazing!” “you look so beautiful” “I am so proud of what you are doing”
* Keep your attention on her – not the monitors. She is the best indicator of her progress and the monitors just refocus your attention. Ask for the monitor to be turned down so it is not distracting.
* Stay by the head: especially if you are squeamish
* Consider a birth doula
- See our blog on “dads and doulas” (coming soon) to see what that looks like
- The short of it is that the doula does a lot of the back-ground work (and a lot of the above) so that you can be present to just love, support and be there for the birth of your baby!
- The doula enhances the connection you already have and helps to support mom and YOU during the labor
- In addition to the first paragraph of this blog: "Dads need support too": sometimes we are there just as much for the dads as we are for the moms!
- Also see "What Makes a Doulas Fees"
Melissa Johnson is a Jacksonville Doula, Childbirth Educator and the owner of Doulananda Birth Services.
I was recently reading a blog which was explaining why men were ill-equipped to attend births and suggested that they should be “removed from the birth plan”…wow. I whole heartedly disagree. Do I think that some men/partners are better at supporting moms during labor than others, sure! But let’s not discount our spouses altogether! Geesh. Dads need support too...let's start here in providing informaion and what is expected of the partners. Below are some tips for dads to use during labor in hopes it will be a guide in preparing partners for this wonderful birthing day process.
“I’ve seen a man pull a line of boxcars with his teeth. I’ve watched a friend light his chest on fire and let another friend hop over his flaming torso on a skateboard. I’ve seen an actor on ”Deadwood” very convincingly pretend to pass kidney stones. None of this even comes close to the awesome experience of seeing my wife, Nicole, give birth.” – Josh Tyson: The Performance | Dads in the Delivery Room (great read for dads!)
Partners play an important role in pregnancy, labor and birth. Pregnancy is good practice but seeing mom in labor adds a totally different element. I feel that we should educate dads of the birth process and furthermore educate them on HOW to support the mom in labor.
We highly recommend dads / partners attend a childbirth class with the mom. Especially a class that includes the father…and most childbirth classes today include the partner. As a HypnoBirthing Childbirth class instructor in Jacksonville, of course I recommend that class. We really stress the involvement of the partner.
It’s important to know the birth process, but all that reading and knowledge does very little if you have never seen a birth. So...I have put together (based on what I have seen thus far as a Jacksonville Doula) some information for dads (please let us know your experiences and share in the comments at the end of this blog. We'd love to hear from you):
* Educate yourself: read about labor stages and the hallmarks of labor (transition)
- The Birth Partner is a GREAT book for the birth team!
* Be familiar with the birth plan and be prepared to step-up and speak-up when needed
* Truly trust in your partners body’s ability to birth your baby
* Release all fears before you enter the birth room (HypnoBirthing offers a great fear release exercise)
- Sometimes this is accomplished by understanding the birth process – we are rarely fearful of things that we understand
* Connect with other fathers: seek out other dads who have attended births and talk to them about their experience
* Be responsible for the energy you bring into the birthing room
- This is important of whomever is in the room
- Mom is very sensitive to what is happening around her
* Be the guardian of the space
- If there are too many people in the room, ask them to leave
- Take any intense conversations outside the birthing room
- You may not be jiving with the nurse, ask for a new one
* Ask questions: If there is a situation or a special circumstance that arises ask:
- Is this an emergency? Do we have time to discuss this?
- Ask for time alone to discuss what your desires are. It’s difficult to make a decision with a doctor and nurse staring your down – no pressure there! See "What Every Mom Should Know"
* Have calm eyes
- Sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it"!
- If you have never seen your wife / partner in labor, it is quite different! It's the most focused and purposeful you will ever see her...but internally focused and quiet doesn't always mean "trouble" or "pain". She may not need fixing or hovering over...just space to be where she is in the process. She will normally let you know one way or the other.
* Be a quiet pillar of strength
- Many times moms are sensitive to sounds and talking during the later stage of labor. Please try not to take offense to this.
* Normal birth is quite uneventful: accept that there may not be much to do and that is okay!
- Sometimes your job is sitting quietly holding her hand, kiss her forhead or slowly stroke her arm
* Be flexible: try not to judge if your partner changes her mind about the birth plan
- I say a lot in my classes: “You don’t know what you don’t know” and things change. The entire birth team needs to remain flexible. Only SHE knows truly what she is feeling…and she has the right to make an empowered decision of change – and that’s okay
* Rest or even sleep in the early stages of labor (this goes for mom and dad)
- Make sure this is okay with mom and that she doesn't need you during that time.
* EAT! You will need this energy later!
- We see so many dads get excited in early labor and not take care of themselves and become exhausted near the end and right after birth, don’t be that guy!
- Mom will need you after the birth – your rest and energy is important because as tired as YOU are – she is doubly + so
* Make sure mom eats and drinks while you are laboring at home
- Make some labor snacks (easily digestible foods with sustaining energy like pb&j, applesauce, nuts, cheese and crackers). Put the snacks into little bites for mom to nibble between contractions (surges).
* Be present
- Limit conversations with family and friends while at the birth. Set up a go to person who you text with and let them keep your list of friends and family updated (oh yeah, you have to make a list of friends and family you want notified)
* Choose your words wisely and speak softly
- Avoid “just relax” and “you are doing a great *job*”
- Try “you are amazing!” “you look so beautiful” “I am so proud of what you are doing”
* Keep your attention on her – not the monitors. She is the best indicator of her progress and the monitors just refocus your attention. Ask for the monitor to be turned down so it is not distracting.
* Stay by the head: especially if you are squeamish
* Consider a birth doula
- See our blog on “dads and doulas” (coming soon) to see what that looks like
- The short of it is that the doula does a lot of the back-ground work (and a lot of the above) so that you can be present to just love, support and be there for the birth of your baby!
- The doula enhances the connection you already have and helps to support mom and YOU during the labor
- In addition to the first paragraph of this blog: "Dads need support too": sometimes we are there just as much for the dads as we are for the moms!
- Also see "What Makes a Doulas Fees"
Melissa Johnson is a Jacksonville Doula, Childbirth Educator and the owner of Doulananda Birth Services.
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